Wikivoyage:Bad jokes and other deleted nonsense/Dixieland

Dixieland, also known as the Confederate States of America, The Bible Belt, Jesusland or Neoconservative Hellhole, is a large country south of the Mason-Dixon Line in North America. It boasts the world's largest Republican population, with the seceded nation The Democratic People's Republic of Alaska following closely behind. The country is comprised of 11 states, all of which are not very impressive at all. The vast majority of Dixieland consists of farmlands, dirt roads, megachurches and good, small town values. The few cities blend into miles of urban sprawl, that the locals navigate with cars with a gas mileage never exceeding 10 mpg. Do not attempt to use a high mileage car or god forbid walk.

States
Texas: Home of Eternal President for Life, George W. Bush.

Arkansas: Land of the Ozark mountains and home to the turncoat traitor, Bill Clinton.

Lousiana: Consists of swamps, crocodiles, and a very messy coastline.

Mississippi: The place where gamblers go if they're too lazy to visit Las Vegas.

Alabama: The suckiest state in the confederacy. There is absolutely nothing worthwhile here. If you're passing by hoping to see something interesting, then you're just shit out luck. Move on.

Georgia: This state is a lot like Alabama, but marginally better because of their overabundance of peaches and their university's football team, the Georgia Bulldogs.

Tennessee: Home of the two separatist nations of Graceland and Dollywood. Both areas should be considered a war zone and extremely dangerous for travel.

North Carolina: Pork barbecue is the only endearing quality of this state.

South Carolina: Home of the dumbest sport on earth, NASCAR.

Virginia: Home and resting place of the great war hero, Robert E. Lee.

Florida: Where college frat boys go to party and get laid in the spring, Panama City in particular.

The country also lays shaky claim to the disputed territories of Oklahoma, Missouri, Kentucky and West Virginia. But truthfully, these states suck, so the yankees can keep them.

Cities
Due to the devastating effects of the Civil War, no major cities have been reconstructed, because the construction workers would rather sit on their fat, lazy asses and watch Larry the Cable Guy instead.

Understand
Dixieland was created in 1861 by a bunch of whiny, old white guys who wanted to keep their slaves. When told by the US government that they couldn't do so, they threw a gigantic hissy fit and declared themselves an independent nation. With the help of their guns, cannons and nuclear warheads, the south was able to attain victory against the northern oppressors. They would not get to keep their slaves however, as Harriet Tubman led every single one of them to freedom on the underground railroad.

Get in

 * By land:You will need a United States visa to get past the demilitarized zone at the mason-dixon line. If you attempt to sneak in or out without permission, you will be shot on sight with no questions asked. So be prepared!


 * By sea: Board the CSS Robert E. Lee, one of a series of blockade runners, in order to get past Union lines and reach the Dixie confederacy.

Get around
Getting around in a Dodge pick-up truck is the most preferred method of travel in Dixieland, even if they do waste a ton of gas.

See

 * The Alamo, historic site where Confederate forces successfully fended off a New Mexican invasion of Texas.

Do
Go to church and praise the lord. If you're the more adventurous traveller, you can go huntin', fishin' and honky-tonkin'. If you're going out to a bar (honky-tonkin'), just remember not to wear a condom or take birth control, as use of contraceptives down here are against the law and God's will. Remember, be fruitful and multiply!

Buy
Firearms. Much as all vehicles in the northern states are required to carry studded tires and snow chains year-round, vehicles in the Confederacy are required to carry a full gun rack and proudly display the Confederate flag at all times.

Eat
Biscuits, grits, fried chicken, collard greens, okra, and chitlins.

Drink
Coca-cola. Water is not even an option down here. If you drink pepsi, you will be branded a traitor and sent to a concentration camp.

Sleep
Just follow any tornader directly into the local trailer park to find quality segregated accommodation.